The clock never stops, never stops, never waits

I've never really been bothered by my age before but I am this year. The past six months, I have felt old, worn down, wrung out. I'm not where I expected to be by this stage in my life, which is disconcerting.

I do have lovely things planned for my birthday, although not all of them for the big day itself. My presents will be nice treats for me (rather than practical items or things for the home): a framed family portrait, a new handbag, cosmetics, some tasty brandy (VSOP), and a pedicure. We will be going out for lunch and my mother is taking me to see Aled Jones in concert at Truro Cathedral.

I'm not looking forward to being a year older, though...

I know that age is just a number but this number comes with baggage! It pushes me into a different demographic group and there are things I still want/need to do before I get too much older.

Hearts and minds

"Did Monty give you that heart?"

"Sort of, yes."

"It's shiny. Can I kiss it?"

"Yes."

"It's small. Can I cuddle it?"

"Monty was small and yes, you can."

"Monty was born."

"Yes, he was born and he died."

"I'm sorry Monty died."

"Me too. I wanted to bring him home."

"I'm sorry he didn't come home."

"You don't have to be sorry, sweetheart, but it's OK to feel sad. I feel sad about Monty. Daddy feels sad about Monty."

"I'm sorry he didn't come home."

Big cuddle.

A marathon, not a sprint

My husband's step-sister is running the London Marathon later this month. It's not the first time she has run a marathon and she has run the London race before. She is part of a running club but runs to raise money for charity as well as for fitness.

Normally, she raises money for Cancer Research UK in memory of her mother (who was also a distance runner). This year, she has kindly agreed to seek sponsorship to raise funds for Southmead Hospital maternity unit, in memory of Monty. Donations can be made via Virgin Money Giving.

Since Monty was stillborn, we have raised over £700 for the Mum's the Word appeal in support of the hospital's planned developments. It would be fantastic if Becky's marathon run could help us get that figure closer to £1000!

I still feel a huge debt of gratitude to the maternity staff at Southmead for they way in which they have helped and supported us. I hope that one day, I will enjoy their care again (and their new, improved maternity unit facilities) under happier circumstances.

Insecure, what you gonna do?

I still feel unsteady, unsure of myself, uncertain of the future.

Some days, I feel strong and brave; on others, I feel very small.

Outside, I look the same. Inside, I am very different.

It is my birthday this month. I will move up an age group; into the next tick box on surveys. I feel old but age has never bothered me before.

I am very focused on family. I love my husband and daughter so much. I had pictured myself with a clutch of children but now I don't know if I will have any more. I feel as though I can't move on with my life until I have worked this out but it's complicated.

When the human touch is what I need, what I need is you...