I have longed to provide my daughter with a sibling since before she was born. I was delighted to find out I was pregnant for the second time at Easter last year but, six months ago, our lives were turned upside down when our son was stillborn. Now, we are faced with the challenge of trying again. Lots of bereaved parents go on to have more children but I am scared of losing another baby.
I never felt that my second pregnancy would be my last. I could picture myself with three little people toddling along beside me! So, in some ways, trying again would give us the third child I was hoping for anyway.
But...
I worry that everything will go wrong again. I worry that there will be difficult decisions to make. I worry that I won't have the strength to battle the anxiety. I worry that I won't be able to bond with my baby. I worry that I won't be able to talk about how I feel. I worry that other people won't understand. I worry about depression. I worry that all the worry will make me a poor mummy. I worry that there won't be a 'right time' to start trying and I worry about leaving it too late.
I didn't worry about anything during my pregnancies. I was considered 'low risk' and I never expected things to go wrong. I was so sure of myself as a mum-to-be, custodian of the unborn child. I was careful about my diet and how I exercised, and I was prepared for my babies' arrivals. I never thought I would come away from the hospital with empty arms, sore eyes and a broken heart...
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think, when it comes down to it, the question is: Is the worry worth it to have a third child?
I was pretty nervous with my first pregnancy, because it seemed so common for infertile women to get pregnant and then miscarry. That's not the same thing, clearly, as having lost a child in pregnancy and then going through the fear of losing another one, but I did spend almost the entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was convinced it couldn't be that easy, and I didn't really relax until I had my take-home baby.
Did I regret losing the innocent enjoyment of my pregnancy? Yes. Did my reluctance to look ahead come back to bite us when it came time to actually care for my son? Most definitely. Bonding with him was a much longer process than it was for my daughter, two years later, and the baby blues were a horrendous source of guilt.
Was it worth it? Yes. Of course, it's a bit trite to say that in retrospect, but this was the way our family was built. Four years later, I have no regrets over the *decisions* we made.
PS while my experience was all pro-having-a-baby, I don't mean this as advice to get pregnant again. More: "Don't be afraid." You are strong enough to deal with whichever decision you make.