It's been a long cold lonely winter

Like most people, I'm well and truly fed up of the cold weather now. The equinox has passed and, in my mind, we really should be starting to see some temperatures in the double figures! For the past four or five days, we have had light flurries of snow. My hands are dry and sore - no amount of moisturiser seems to help. My lips are chapped too. One sunny day, I tried going without a vest - big mistake!

I was looking forward to bunkering down this Winter with my newborn: venturing out only to take my daughter to nursery. I was going to make the house a cosy, warm solace where my baby and I could get to know each other before emerging into the world in Spring. It didn't turn out that way.

The first snow fell the morning after Monty was stillborn in early November. I hate November anyway - too many sad memories. Fireworks pop and bang for at least a week, intruding into my thoughts. An annual reminder of those I have loved and lost. I hardly did anything in November. We tried to keep our daughter's routine as normal as possible. We sorted out all the administration for Monty. We wrote the order of service and attended his funeral. We had visitors, cards, flowers but not the joyful ones we had been hoping for. I had my postnatal checks.

December wasn't much better although we did have a couple of nice events. The Festival of Light went well on Monty's due date and we spent Christmas with family (but I wasn't really in the mood).

January and early February, I was preoccupied with getting the results of the post mortem and postnatal tests. I started attending SANDS meetings and bobbed up and down on an emotional rollercoaster. A friend said I looked very sad. My sadness rubbed off onto my daughter. We were melancholy but kept going through the motions of our weekly routine.

It's been a long, cold, lonely Winter but I'm hoping that Spring is just around the corner. The mornings and evenings are getting lighter. The sun has come out today and it does feel a little warmer. It feels like years since it's been here.